Hi, I don’t know that this is the place for this but I’m going to share anyway.
This is even more of a reason to get a place for stories together. (I will be able to actually form a group to ensure this happens soon, give me a little time)
The past several weeks have been rough but good. The inner space where I couldn’t speak because I was dealing with a very hard inner process, I want to share what it was.
I started a process of letting a part of me die. A part of me that had teamed with me and served me. My heart was in so much pain that day but I could feel the death of this part of me was important so I stayed with it and I grieved. I didn’t know at that time what part of me was in that dying process but as I sat with it and after the death, I saw what wasn’t there anymore. I realized it was the part of me that was willing to sacrifice myself for the cause, for my work, for the earth, for the world. It had teamed with me. Served me. Kept me holding a passion no matter the cost to myself. It was important.
I let that part die and then tried to live my life the way I had before this. I pushed forward for the sake of my cause trying to recreate what was gone. I think a day or so after the death, I had an allergic reaction. That reaction made me miss an important ambassador academy session, it sucked the life out of my muscles and my whole body to the point I didn’t have the physical strength to take care of the soil and plants at our plant nursery, my farming area, educational show garden, my own personal garden. Despite that, I still pushed forward trying replace the part of me that was missing and force my body to keep my plant world alive and get back in the ambassador academy but I hit a point where I had to let go. I had to let die whatever was meant to die. I stopped pushing, I stopped visiting my farm area, I let other people manage the plant nursery, I let the show garden take care of itself, I let the ambassador academy do its thing.
An interesting turn of events followed: My farm area ran itself (the “weeds” got out of control), people managed the nursery and all the plants stayed alive, the show garden ran itself and still looks beautiful, I took extensive time for myself for the first time in a long time, and my partner in life took the role of caring for what I couldn’t. My true authentic life force began to return.
The “weeds” in my farm area turned out to be 80% edible. Though they blocked some of the plants from the sun, mostly everything stayed alive. I made a lovely pasta dinner with the “weeds” a few nights ago and now I don’t want to eat anything else. Haha. My home garden got a bit more love and attention. I could sit by the pond and hang out with my turtles again. The ambassador academy offered a make up session which doesn’t usually happen so I was able to continue the ambassador academy. The farm area grew incredibly huge, thriving, high producing plants and extremely abundant. I think the whole town would not go hungry with all that grew. All my hard work on the soil set it up for a good foundation for it to live without me.
Now in this new space I feel really vulnerable. I can’t show up the same way I have before. Zoom calls seem to all be having one problem or another to keep me from participating as much as I would otherwise do or I completely space calls that are important. I can’t go into the plant nursery, I can only visit the farm area occasionally, I am pretty much home bound left to really ask myself where me AND my passions sit in this world and to start working on things that are important to me without sacrificing me (I have no idea what that looks like yet)
Through this process I learned one thing. No matter how much passion you have for something, it is never worth sacrificing yourself for it. The cause is not greater than you. And the most important part of this lesson was that when you do what is best for you and you take care of you:
*The wild is set free to become more abundant than you could have planned.
*Everything works out in unexpected ways that are more aligned with you than if you sacrificed yourself.
*What is authentically right for you actually is right for everyone else in ways you cannot know.
*Your cause is nothing without you.
Thank you for having me on this journey with you even at the times where I must be silent. Feel free to share bellow how this spoke to you or didn’t speak to you. Or feel free to be silent. Silence lets messages speak and is just as important as speaking.